Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.