DON’T TELL ME MY DISHWASHING SPONGE IS “CONTAMINATED.” MY SWEET DEPARTED GRANDMA GAVE ME THAT SPONGE. YOU KEEP MY GRANDMA’S NAME OUTTA YOUR MOUTH
The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.
“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains
I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense
I’ve been saving these cleavage crumbs just for you babe.
(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?
Me: We shouldn’t give in to the commercialism of Christmas. In fact, we should celebrate it this year without giving each other gifts.
Husband: You missed the window for something to arrive by Christmas Eve, didn’t you?
I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?
I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.
we should be able to doordash someone a snowball to the face. like tis the season biatch.
Go bears!
(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)
I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.
It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me
My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.
Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.