Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
They say college doesn鈥檛 prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that鈥檚 literally my most valuable skill
Judges are so childish. Oh, you鈥檙e angry so you鈥檙e going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 馃槶
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
I鈥檓 bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Much like lasagna, I鈥檓 just held together by cheese at this point
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
