“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.
just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
Saturday
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
No one:
London landlords:
