Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.
Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.
Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes
I’ve had my panties on inside out all morning and no one said anything!
This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting
The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.
me: I like that this isn’t like a typical gym
cashier: you’re at a bakery miss
Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?
Because they’re two tired
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found
“Let’s break a leg today guys!”
–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work
Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.
“Easy to use instructions.”