ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome
PRODUCER: Keep talking
ME: called Vladiator
HIM: Get out
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?
What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.
I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
I just want an internship man
Fruity
