[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager