Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia