The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions