Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.