* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.