What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.