How times have changed.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.