I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze