Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…