Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.