teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit