If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET