Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
my astrological sign is a french fry
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline