OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.