HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.