The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”