“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.