I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.