Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”