You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
