80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!