My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.