If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?