You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*