Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.