A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.