Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.