Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.