getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?