every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.