I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.