I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.