[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins