“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom