“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.