Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.