*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback