Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.