If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.