Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.