If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.