If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.