I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
What about a To-Don’t List?
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.