Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
What about a To-Don’t List?
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”